Brad seemed to be getting better and better every day and after 3 really great days (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) we were feeling pretty optimistic about being better sooner than later. Then Monday came (those darn Mondays!). Monday night we were trying to get dinner together, the kids were hungry and we were all tired. It was very similar to the night of the first panic attack. A couple of bites in, Brad felt his anxiety quickly start to rise. It was scary, it shook our confidence in the progress we felt we were making and it was physically and emotionally draining. BUT, Brad was able to use the coping skills he's been learning and did not go into a full blown panic attack. It took about three hours but he did it!! Two days later it happened again at dinnertime and he was able to get through it in about 30 minutes! In the moment it feels like we're in a landslide but when we pull back and look at the big picture he's doing so great! I had originally titled this post "Three steps forward, two steps back" but after listening to the song I shared I had to change it. We're not sliding back at all. We're just working on that mountain in the middle of the road, excited for the beautiful view we know we're going to find at the top.
Friday, January 22, 2016
Climbing Our Mountain
Life would be so much easier if we could just go from point A to point B without any bumps in the road. At the same time, the detours bring the best scenery and memories. There is a song that has been playing in the background of my mind this week. It's called Beautiful Heartbreak by Hilary Weeks.
Brad seemed to be getting better and better every day and after 3 really great days (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) we were feeling pretty optimistic about being better sooner than later. Then Monday came (those darn Mondays!). Monday night we were trying to get dinner together, the kids were hungry and we were all tired. It was very similar to the night of the first panic attack. A couple of bites in, Brad felt his anxiety quickly start to rise. It was scary, it shook our confidence in the progress we felt we were making and it was physically and emotionally draining. BUT, Brad was able to use the coping skills he's been learning and did not go into a full blown panic attack. It took about three hours but he did it!! Two days later it happened again at dinnertime and he was able to get through it in about 30 minutes! In the moment it feels like we're in a landslide but when we pull back and look at the big picture he's doing so great! I had originally titled this post "Three steps forward, two steps back" but after listening to the song I shared I had to change it. We're not sliding back at all. We're just working on that mountain in the middle of the road, excited for the beautiful view we know we're going to find at the top.
Brad seemed to be getting better and better every day and after 3 really great days (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) we were feeling pretty optimistic about being better sooner than later. Then Monday came (those darn Mondays!). Monday night we were trying to get dinner together, the kids were hungry and we were all tired. It was very similar to the night of the first panic attack. A couple of bites in, Brad felt his anxiety quickly start to rise. It was scary, it shook our confidence in the progress we felt we were making and it was physically and emotionally draining. BUT, Brad was able to use the coping skills he's been learning and did not go into a full blown panic attack. It took about three hours but he did it!! Two days later it happened again at dinnertime and he was able to get through it in about 30 minutes! In the moment it feels like we're in a landslide but when we pull back and look at the big picture he's doing so great! I had originally titled this post "Three steps forward, two steps back" but after listening to the song I shared I had to change it. We're not sliding back at all. We're just working on that mountain in the middle of the road, excited for the beautiful view we know we're going to find at the top.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Life changes.... whether we're ready or not
On December 18th, 2015 our life took an unexpected turn. My husband, Brad, had been unusually irritable for a couple of days but there had been a lot going on at work, we were in charge of the family Christmas party the next day, we had been unsuccessfully trying to get a new program to work for some Christmas calendars we wanted to make.... life! We sat down to dinner, he took one bite, and quickly went out to the garage. I thought he was upset with me or one of our kids but I couldn't for the life of me figure out what. I waited a couple of minutes and decided to swallow my pride and find out.
He was not in the garage but out pacing in our front drive. He came into the garage when he noticed I was there and I could tell right away something wasn't right. He was pale and agitated. I tried to get him to let me take him to the Dr. He said he would be fine but he wasn't. The medical center was open, it was only 6pm. I did NOT want to wait until the middle of the night and wake up to him having a heart attack or something like that.
He finally agreed and we called his parents to meet us at the medical center so they could bring the kids home and get them to bed. After a full blood panel, an EKG, a few chest x-rays, a urine sample and whatever else they do in that situation the conclusion was..... panic attack. He got a shot of valium in the rear, a few encouraging words and we were on our way home praying to wake up to life as we knew it in the morning.
Morning came but life as we knew it did not. We spent the next week in and out of different doctors offices and on our knees. We are LDS (Mormons) and believe that a loving Heavenly Father has once again given men the power of the priesthood to act in his name. Brad was given some beautiful priesthood blessings from his dad that brought lots of hope and comfort that he will be healed from the anxiety and panic he is going through now. What he wasn't given was a time frame. In a very real way we are learning to trust in the Lord's timing.
We felt we were making a little progress but Christmas Eve we found ourselves in the Emergency Room with a panic attack that was far worse than the first. We are so grateful that Brad's sister lives close by and was so great to take our 5 kids to play at their grandparents for the day while we spent 5 hours in the emergency room debating between getting to come home and have Christmas with the family or riding in an ambulance or police car to the nearest in-patient facility. I have never felt so helpless and terrified in my life as I watched my husband struggle and at one point beg Heavenly Father to just let him die.
This time Brad was given Ativan to bring him out of the panic attack and given a prescription to keep his anxiety to a manageable level. More doctors, more research, more prayers, more tears. It is now January 13th. Yesterday was a good day. We met with a new doctor that is more local to help us with the medication. He took Brad off the Ativan and put him on Clorazapam so he wouldn't swing so much with anxiety all day long. He slept great last night but woke up feeling light headed and drugged. They told us he would feel like a lab rat while they figured out the correct medicine and dosage for him and boy does he ever feel that way!
Today is a hard day. Lots of discouragement and doubt about ever getting completely better. It is hard for me to see my ever strong husband be pushed to his limits but through this I can see that what he perceives as his limits are not his true limits. He is stronger than he thinks and in very real ways Heavenly Father is teaching us that and so much more! Today a statement by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf keep running through my mind: "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith".
This trial has allowed us to do a complete 180 with our life and re-evaluate what is truly important to us. We have changed our nutrition, started an exercise routine to be more active, daily prayer and scripture study. Family home evening, family prayer and scripture study have become much more of a desire than a "have to". Brad and I have become closer as a couple than I ever dreamed possible as we've learned to communicate better and rely on each other and the Lord.
We have been so blessed to have wonderful doctors in place when we needed them. We live in a wonderful area with people that have been prepared and were ready when we needed them. We have tried our best to come at this anxiety and panic from every possible angle to have a full recovery. We have some great medical doctors we are working with, a naturpath, a counselor, an energy therapist and countless friends and family that are so willing and ready to help when we ask.
So why share all of this? In part, to keep a record for our family. I truly believe that he will get through this and our life will be better than ever. We weren't headed down a wrong path but I feel that Heavenly Father has a better path prepared for us. Another reason is that we've learned how common anxiety and panic disorder are and yet no one talks about it! We want to change that. If you or someone you know struggles with this, know that you are not alone. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Until we get there, we want to share the struggles.... and the HOPE!..... that we encounter while in this tunnel of anxiety. Join us.
He was not in the garage but out pacing in our front drive. He came into the garage when he noticed I was there and I could tell right away something wasn't right. He was pale and agitated. I tried to get him to let me take him to the Dr. He said he would be fine but he wasn't. The medical center was open, it was only 6pm. I did NOT want to wait until the middle of the night and wake up to him having a heart attack or something like that.
He finally agreed and we called his parents to meet us at the medical center so they could bring the kids home and get them to bed. After a full blood panel, an EKG, a few chest x-rays, a urine sample and whatever else they do in that situation the conclusion was..... panic attack. He got a shot of valium in the rear, a few encouraging words and we were on our way home praying to wake up to life as we knew it in the morning.
Morning came but life as we knew it did not. We spent the next week in and out of different doctors offices and on our knees. We are LDS (Mormons) and believe that a loving Heavenly Father has once again given men the power of the priesthood to act in his name. Brad was given some beautiful priesthood blessings from his dad that brought lots of hope and comfort that he will be healed from the anxiety and panic he is going through now. What he wasn't given was a time frame. In a very real way we are learning to trust in the Lord's timing.
We felt we were making a little progress but Christmas Eve we found ourselves in the Emergency Room with a panic attack that was far worse than the first. We are so grateful that Brad's sister lives close by and was so great to take our 5 kids to play at their grandparents for the day while we spent 5 hours in the emergency room debating between getting to come home and have Christmas with the family or riding in an ambulance or police car to the nearest in-patient facility. I have never felt so helpless and terrified in my life as I watched my husband struggle and at one point beg Heavenly Father to just let him die.
This time Brad was given Ativan to bring him out of the panic attack and given a prescription to keep his anxiety to a manageable level. More doctors, more research, more prayers, more tears. It is now January 13th. Yesterday was a good day. We met with a new doctor that is more local to help us with the medication. He took Brad off the Ativan and put him on Clorazapam so he wouldn't swing so much with anxiety all day long. He slept great last night but woke up feeling light headed and drugged. They told us he would feel like a lab rat while they figured out the correct medicine and dosage for him and boy does he ever feel that way!
Today is a hard day. Lots of discouragement and doubt about ever getting completely better. It is hard for me to see my ever strong husband be pushed to his limits but through this I can see that what he perceives as his limits are not his true limits. He is stronger than he thinks and in very real ways Heavenly Father is teaching us that and so much more! Today a statement by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf keep running through my mind: "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith".
This trial has allowed us to do a complete 180 with our life and re-evaluate what is truly important to us. We have changed our nutrition, started an exercise routine to be more active, daily prayer and scripture study. Family home evening, family prayer and scripture study have become much more of a desire than a "have to". Brad and I have become closer as a couple than I ever dreamed possible as we've learned to communicate better and rely on each other and the Lord.
We have been so blessed to have wonderful doctors in place when we needed them. We live in a wonderful area with people that have been prepared and were ready when we needed them. We have tried our best to come at this anxiety and panic from every possible angle to have a full recovery. We have some great medical doctors we are working with, a naturpath, a counselor, an energy therapist and countless friends and family that are so willing and ready to help when we ask.
So why share all of this? In part, to keep a record for our family. I truly believe that he will get through this and our life will be better than ever. We weren't headed down a wrong path but I feel that Heavenly Father has a better path prepared for us. Another reason is that we've learned how common anxiety and panic disorder are and yet no one talks about it! We want to change that. If you or someone you know struggles with this, know that you are not alone. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Until we get there, we want to share the struggles.... and the HOPE!..... that we encounter while in this tunnel of anxiety. Join us.
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